Communication

Communication is key to any healthy relationship, we hear this a lot and its true but learning how to have that open and healthy communication is not as often explained. In theory communication should be easy, open your mouth and speak, right? Well in reality I think we all know it is much more complicated than that.

Communication comes in layers, when in person there is body language, there is always subtext and wording can make a huge difference. For example one time while talking to my partner I was trying to communicate how great things were in that moment, how connected, refreshed and passionate I felt, but the wording I used particularly the word 'recommitted' gave the messaged that as some point I hadn't felt connected and committed and that overtook what I had been trying to say and instead of building my partner up, I had hurt him. These mishaps, happen and particularly  if you've had fewer healthy relationship models to look up too communication and learning to do so in a healthy,open and honest way can be a bit of a journey unto itself.
Honesty: honesty isn't just telling the truth but telling the full truth and its important that why acknowledge that. Trust once broken is next to impossible to rebuild, that's not to say you can't rebuild if trust has been broken but it is a very long and painful up hill climb to do so. Sometimes honesty hurts and being on the receiving end of a painful truth is almost as hard as telling the painful truth but it's important to acknowledge and respect that your partner respects you by telling the truth and move forward with whatever the next step maybe in a mutual respect.
Openness : going hand in hand with honesty and not leaving out information just because you think your partner wont like it. It's also creating a safe atmosphere where you both know while your emotions can only be controlled so far and yes you may get upset you will talk through anything that needs to be handled and you both acknowledge and understand how important that safe place of openness is.

Don't text about serious topics. That should really be its own rule. A lot can be lost in communication via text , subtext, context details, tone all can be lost or misunderstood if you absolutely can not wait until you are face to face to discuss and issue then pick up the phone and call. It can feel easier to text you may even feel your better at articulating that way but the majority of the time for the reader that wont be true.

I statements are important in any area of conflict. Breath deep and take a moment to plan your wording, a minor issue can easily become a major issue if one party seems to be to defensive or to be deflecting both of which can be avoided by using I statements. For example "I feel unappreciated when you go straight to your laptop when you come home and think maybe we should have some unplugged time" vs "you go on online way too much and need make more time for me" both these statements are acknowledge the same issue, a common issue in our tech based world but one is clearly less confrontational and focused on building positively while the other is clearly formed out of hurt/anger and more likely to escalate  the situation.

My final and biggest tip, is touch. If you know your about to discuss a big and serious issue sit down face each other and hold hands. If you cant hold hand (example if your signing to each other) sit cross legged so your knees touch. Keep contact helps keep the situation calm, and lest I sound like a hippie it keeps an energy flowing between the two of you.This can be hard especially if your having a disagreement but its both physical and symbolic to not break that connection even when your angry. I saw this tip in a movie of all places when I was about 12 and it stuck with me, I've always had it as an unwritten rule and swear by it.

All relationships are different and finding what works is a journey but this foundation  will always be universal is open and honest communication , its a sign of love and respect and I hope these tools and tips help you build that safe place to grow together.

Healthy Relationships and False Standards

I've decided to do a couple entries on loving, healthy relationships and this is my intro into the topic I hope you enjoy.

You hear a lot and see a lot about "relationships today" and whats wrong with them as if in the past relationships were better, I want to say that's a lie. A big bad lie that makes people hold their relationships to false standards. You will often hear low divorce rates of previous generations cited as 'proof' well let me, let you in on some little known/unacknowledged info on this. Firstly when going back in time we need to factor in the culture that creates the cultural norms of the time, a much heavier religious influence and more judgement on particularly women who left unhappy relationships, more prevalent unchecked work place sexism and discrimination stopping women from getting jobs to be able to leave. These two factors a lone are massive and powerful and kept low divorce rates but that does not mean all relationships were great,happy and successful.
Similarly the stat of 50% of marriages ending in divorce is actually outdated, it was true that as equality grew and stigma faded more and more of these marriages from "the good old days" ended but as newer generations who are waiting longer, living together first, and getting to know each other more are getting married the divorce rate has been steadily declining.

Another unhealthy standard is this concept of the 'failed relationship'. I love sexpert Dan Savage and his outlook on this topic to paraphrase the idea of a relationship ending being a failure is and of its self a flawed and problematic standard. Trying to hold on to something that's ended , like eating expired food can turn was was a lovely casserole  into a toxic mess, and eating it will make you sick.
That is not to say that whenever things get hard you should give up and let go, all relationships will have ups and downs but in your heart or hearts 9 out of 10 times you do know deep down the difference between "we are having a hard time right now" and "this is over but I don't want to let go".
Life is a journey or better yet a book and like all great novels it has many chapters and characters, some will stay with you until the end and some only for a chapter and that is OK, they still have value, they still add to the story but they don't need to be the entire story.

Letting go of the pressure to have the perfect most successful never ending relationship will in and of its self take stress off of your relationships and help you heal if they end.
Don't make quick decisions with relationships always self reflect and sleep on major decisions, always keep open and honest communication without that it's already half dead but that's another entry.

The moral of this little blog is don't beat yourself up, don't hold yourself or your relationship to false standards or anyone else's standards what works for one couple may not for another most relationship issues are grey not black and white. Is an open relationship right for you? Is it right for your partner? Is a monogamous relationship right for you? Is it right for your partner?
There are many different types of relationships all unique and complex and only you and your partner together can decide what is right for you and what to try and not to try and where your boundaries lay on any given topic. Don't worry about failure, don't poison your precious time together just figure out whats right for your relationship, communicate and support each other for however long or short is right for you.