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Sunday 3 April 2016

Healthy Relationships and False Standards

I've decided to do a couple entries on loving, healthy relationships and this is my intro into the topic I hope you enjoy.

You hear a lot and see a lot about "relationships today" and whats wrong with them as if in the past relationships were better, I want to say that's a lie. A big bad lie that makes people hold their relationships to false standards. You will often hear low divorce rates of previous generations cited as 'proof' well let me, let you in on some little known/unacknowledged info on this. Firstly when going back in time we need to factor in the culture that creates the cultural norms of the time, a much heavier religious influence and more judgement on particularly women who left unhappy relationships, more prevalent unchecked work place sexism and discrimination stopping women from getting jobs to be able to leave. These two factors a lone are massive and powerful and kept low divorce rates but that does not mean all relationships were great,happy and successful.
Similarly the stat of 50% of marriages ending in divorce is actually outdated, it was true that as equality grew and stigma faded more and more of these marriages from "the good old days" ended but as newer generations who are waiting longer, living together first, and getting to know each other more are getting married the divorce rate has been steadily declining.

Another unhealthy standard is this concept of the 'failed relationship'. I love sexpert Dan Savage and his outlook on this topic to paraphrase the idea of a relationship ending being a failure is and of its self a flawed and problematic standard. Trying to hold on to something that's ended , like eating expired food can turn was was a lovely casserole  into a toxic mess, and eating it will make you sick.
That is not to say that whenever things get hard you should give up and let go, all relationships will have ups and downs but in your heart or hearts 9 out of 10 times you do know deep down the difference between "we are having a hard time right now" and "this is over but I don't want to let go".
Life is a journey or better yet a book and like all great novels it has many chapters and characters, some will stay with you until the end and some only for a chapter and that is OK, they still have value, they still add to the story but they don't need to be the entire story.

Letting go of the pressure to have the perfect most successful never ending relationship will in and of its self take stress off of your relationships and help you heal if they end.
Don't make quick decisions with relationships always self reflect and sleep on major decisions, always keep open and honest communication without that it's already half dead but that's another entry.

The moral of this little blog is don't beat yourself up, don't hold yourself or your relationship to false standards or anyone else's standards what works for one couple may not for another most relationship issues are grey not black and white. Is an open relationship right for you? Is it right for your partner? Is a monogamous relationship right for you? Is it right for your partner?
There are many different types of relationships all unique and complex and only you and your partner together can decide what is right for you and what to try and not to try and where your boundaries lay on any given topic. Don't worry about failure, don't poison your precious time together just figure out whats right for your relationship, communicate and support each other for however long or short is right for you.

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